


#GetIntoJailFree

by mlle_imandeus, SharksWrites



Category: Sam & Cat (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 12:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2068707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlle_imandeus/pseuds/mlle_imandeus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharksWrites/pseuds/SharksWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Art by: fireandicecantbecontrolled</p>
    </blockquote>





	#GetIntoJailFree

**Author's Note:**

> Art by: fireandicecantbecontrolled

The full depth of what she'd done really hit Sam during dinner; but she tried to just power through. It was fried chicken, her favorite. And Nona's was the fried chickeniest fried chicken there ever was. But tonight it had no flavor. It was like paste battered in sawdust, because Sam knew how low she'd sunk.

Worse than that, she knew Cat would never do anything close to this underhanded, if the situation had been reversed. Cat would have been out the door to rescue her before she'd even remembered to put on shoes.

Sam could not even say it was because she never had a Nona to take care of her. Cat only lived with Nona for the summer before Sam showed up. Cat certainly had no one spoiling her with extra attention while her brother used her as his favorite toy for seventeen years; before her parents wised up enough to institutionalize him. Then they moved away to be near him, completely abandoning her. That certainly earned her a couple months of pampering. It was her Nona after all.

Not to mention, Cat had been doing everything for Sam since she'd come to LA. Nona didn't even blink or say, 'Why do you need someone to take care of you? You're a young adult.' She knew Cat did everything for Sam, and that Sam was lost without Cat.  _Everyone_  knew it. And If Cat wasn't as good at doing everything for Sam as Nona was, that was just from the sixty years (or more) experience she didn't have. It had to make things difficult. Beyond that, it was the thought behind the actions that made Cat's efforts all the more special and important. 

Eventually Nona realized something was wrong.

"Sam, dear, are you feeling alright? You're only on your second plate and normally by now you're on fifths. Is the chicken okay?"

"No!" Sam shouted throwing her plate against the wall. It shattered explosively and covered the wall in coleslaw, a piece of chicken skin stuck there like edible art. "It tastes like a monkey's butt." she whined.

"Hmmm, wonder what would make my chicken taste like used bananas?"

"Its a figure of speech, Nona." Sam said.

"No, Sam. 'Twenty-three skidoo', is a figure of speech. 'Keep on truckin',' is a figure of speech. 'As long as the vine winds around the stump, you're my little sugar lump'. That is a figure of speech for ya. But 'hey, Nona, you're dinner tastes like monkey butt'. That is not a figure of speech. That's just being mean. It reminds me of what an old beau of mine, Clarence Williams, used to always say when we were dating back in 66-"

"I do not have time for one of your stories!" Sam screamed in frustration. Then she pulled herself together and returned to her normal tone. "I left Cat to rot in jail-"

Nona interrupted, "In jail? But you said Cat and Dice were staying on for two weeks."

"Well, clearly I lied. I just was having so much fun with you, Nona. I didn't want it to end." Sam said.

"Yeah, Sam, flattery doesn't work when you leave my granddaughter in jail. Cat's so trusting and kind, they'll eat her up in there."

Sam didn't answer. She was already on her phone.

Sam drove as much as she could and when she couldn't keep her eyes open she pulled off the freeway into a vacant lot and slept in the backseat of Goomer's car. She'd borrowed it because she'd never get all three of them back on her bike. As soon as she woke up the next morning she was back on the road. She pulled up in front of the police station before nine.

Sam walked into the police station and was immediately attacked by Dice.

"Sam Puckett, I expected you here yesterday. And what are you wearing?" Sam look down and around at herself. Her faded t shirt and jeans were hers as well as the leather jacket and motorcycle boots. She gave Dice an exaggerated look of confusion and started patting herself down as if looking for what he found so unusual. When she reached the bushy fake mustache, she put on an exaggerated show of surprise. Realization dawned on her face and then as she touched the cowboy hat she nodded with understanding. She leaned toward Dice and whispered loudly behind her hand,

"ix-nay on the am-say uckett-pay. I have a warrant in Arizona. So while I'm here I'm using the Mexican drivers license you got me. Call me Samatio Puckettito." She looked around, nodding at no one with exaggerated calm.

"All right Samatio, that still doesn't explain why you said you would tell Nona that Cat needed her 18 hours ago. It's a 5 hour drive or a 50 minute plane trip. So not only did it take three times longer than it should have, you didn't even bring Nona." Dice said.

"Cat's in jail _now_?" Sam asked. "I thought you said that Cat would be getting arrested today, and would need me to come bail her out."

"How would I know Cat would be in jail today, unless she was already here?" Dice asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry. How do you do anything you do, or know anything you know? I've stopped asking. You're a mysterious little dude." Sam replied, clearly trying to flatter Dice and thereby con him.

"Just shut up and tell me." Dice demanded.

"How can I both shut up and tell you?" Sam teased.

"Tell me Sam." Dice said. "Why did it take you a day and a half to get here and why are you here, not Nona?"

"Some things came up. I would think that you were more interested in having fun. Kid like you with that fat cover model money in your pocket. I would think that you'd be too busy living it up with no adult supervision in the city. Maybe its time for you to start building up a list of cities you can't go back to." Sam said in a slow tempting voice. "You make a good point Sam. But,"

"But you don't like to have fun. I understand Dice." Sam said, with mock sympathy. "Oh and to be here all alone. You must have been so frightened. Your mom is still howling at the moon with Coyote Fever, but I think your Aunt Fergine is well enough. Lets give her a call. I think a five hour drive home with your loving aunt is just what you need to feel protected and taken care of after this traumatic experience." Sam ended it with an exaggerated sad face.

"Alright, enough Sam, you're right." Dice said. "You get Cat out. It will probably be about four hours processing paperwork. I'll go see the sights and you guys call my Pear Phone when you're ready to go. Now you did bring the three hundred dollars from Nona right?"

"What three hundred dollars? Where am I gonna get three hundred dollars?" Sam said.

"The three hundred we need for Cat's bail. You were supposed to get it. It was the whole reason I called Nona in the first place. It wasn't because I knew Cat would want to face a six hour drive back with a woman who won't shut up about how the weather used to be." Dice said. A bit of his 'what took you so long' anger resurfacing.

"Alright Dice calm down. Come with me out to Goomer's car. I have an idea."

As they walked out Dice continued. "So, you got Goomer's car?"

"Well I couldn't bring you both home on my bike. I just gave him a call in Louisiana, at his mom's house. He tried to tell me three times that he couldn't drive because he was in Louisiana visiting his mom. But once he understood what I was asking he told me where the spare key was." Sam was going through the back seat of the car and pulled out her backpack. Then she rummaged in the backpack for a minute before withdrawing a light blue greeting card envelope. She took the card out. And then removed a smaller white envelope from inside the card. "I have a five hundred dollar savings bond here. I brought it in case of an emergency. I really hate to cash it in before its matured, but even with penalties we should still be able to get over three hundred."

Dice picked up the card and read, "Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah." He opened the card and continued. "Schmoopy, today you are a man. From Aunt Rachel and Uncle Moshe."

"There's no name on the actual bond. Do you want to get Cat out and go home or not?" Sam said.

"By all means Schmoopy, do lead on. But where are you gonna cash it? No bank is gonna be open til Monday." Dice said.

"I saw a check cashing place that specifically advertised savings bonds as something they cashed, on the way in from the freeway. You go off with your gangsters and your whores. Live it up, and leave this to Momma."

"Alright." Dice said with an air of not believing this would work but having nothing better to offer, and kinda just wanting to get out of the situation.

Sam climbed into Goomer's car and drove back to a shady looking building on a corner in an industrial neighborhood. The cashier was tall and big in that 'used to be athletic in high school' way. He didn't look like he had the best hygiene and the smell of the place was best described as some mixture of old coffee, boiled cabbage, and used motor oil.

She went in and said, "I need to cash this bond."

"Do you have any ID?" Asked the guy on the other side of the bullet proof glass.

It didn't even occur to Sam at this point to just use her regular ID, she had it in her head that she'd use her fake identity with the police so she just used it here. Sam showed the man her Mexican drivers license.

"It says here you're female. What's with the mustache?" The man asked.

"I have a glandular condition, and I will thank you not to draw attention to it." Sam said.

"Well excuse the fuck outta me." The clerk mumbled, looking at Sam out of the corner of his eye, in a way that was both appraising and dismissive.

"Sir, did you say something?" Sam said.

"Can't understand me? I'll just bet you can't. That's cause I'm speaking English. Lil senorita bigote. We don't got no one who speaks Mexican here."

"I speak perfect English." Sam said.

"Oh perfect. Oh, your English is perfect." The man said in a whiny falsetto. "No its not, lil senorita. I detect a strong accent. Can barely understand you. But I'm not gonna need to because I'm not gonna be dealing with you, Pepe Pocito. Because your drivers license is worthless as ID in America. You need to show me your Mexican passport with valid visa on it. Exactly what you showed to even enter this country. That is if you came here legally. Did you come here legally, Senorita Puckett-burrito?"

Sam realized now that perhaps she had not entirely thought this through.

"You know that's a funny story." Sam said.

"Is it?" The clerk asked. He did not seem to be ready to accept it as funny.

"It is," Sam assured him. "So you see here is my American drivers license and here is my social security card. I don't have my passport with me but this shows who I am. I was using my Mexican drivers license, that I had gotten completely legitimately in Mexico. I just got back from visiting Mexico and I got so used to using it."

"Then why is it in a different name, young lady." The man asked.

"It's not. I can see how you think it is, but Samatio Puckettito is Sam Puckett in Spanish." Sam said trying to think fast.

"That sounds right. And I want to believe you. But being so near the border there are rules for what I need to do in situations like this. I'm going to have to ask you to sit down while I make a phone call." Sam knew this was a bad sign, and she might have been tempted to just leave. But hew had both her American and Mexican Ids behind bulletproof glass in a room there was no way she could enter.

Sam had to admit to herself this was not going well. This feeling was not improved when he didn't come back for over an hour. She yelled for a drink of water. She yelled that she needed to pee. She made faces at herself for twenty minutes in the reflection on the window.

When two police officers walked through the door she was not surprised. Plus, she was that mix of scared and angry that made her more than ready to talk. Exactly what she figured their plan was.

They refused to even acknowledge her questions. Even when she brought up the warrant and started preemptively give excuses, they seemed to ignore her. Until they had her back at the station and locked into an interrogation room where they left her to stew for about half an hour before joining her.

One officer began. "Well Miss Puckettito, I'm sure you will not be surprised to know that we ran your record. You'll be happy to hear there is no warrant in the name Samatio Puckettito. Nor in the name Sam Puckett. Would you like to tell me what the charges were?"

Sam's heart sank still further. "Um, the charge. Well you see the charge that they charged me with was, and I'm completely innocent by the way, the charge was uh..." She lowered her gaze to finally mumble, "It was mopery."

"Mopery?" The officer questioned. 

"Exposing yourself to a blind person." Sam said. She quickly tried to explain. "It was last year when I was driving cross country on my motorcycle. I ran into this group of skaters over by the Flagstaff Mall and I was bored and a little lonely. I hadn't hung out with any kids my own age in a couple weeks. I was just driving from place to place. So things got a little rowdy. Mistakes were made. But if there's no warrant, then I'm free to go, right? And I'd like to pay Cat Valentine's bail and take her with me when I gooo-" Sam's 'o' trailed and tapered off because she remembered as she spoke that the clerk at the check cashing place had neither cashed the bond, nor returned it. But this hardly seemed the best time to bring it up.

"Oh you aren't going anywhere." The lead officer said. "The Mexican drivers license is real, Miss Puckettito. We checked with the policia municipale for Cantamar, where it says you live and they found your name and your picture on their computer in a moment. Everything is smooth and tasty. And yet your American ID came back as fake. The magnetic strip infected our computer with a virus and the microchip imbedded in it is an e-book on how to swear in German."

"Das geht dich einen feuchten scheissedreck an." Sam muttered.

"A book I read, dumpfbacke." The officer said.

Sam was torn between feeling like she should apologize profusely for what she said, if he understood it, and being pretty sure the cop had just called her a 'dumb  _something_ '.

But she wasn't given much time to worry about petty insults because the next thing she knew, the lead officer was telling his partner, "Take her back to processing. Then lock her up in juvenile detention till we can transfer her over to Border Patrol on Monday. They can send her back where she came from."

"When Sam walked into the cell, Cat, who was on a top bunk jumped down. "Oh Sam, Sam get me out of here. It's horrible. Do you see that," She pointed at the toilet. "That's the bathroom. For us, to use. This isn't like the Home Store where the row of toilets is for display and not for use. They expect you to do it right in front of everybody. And I can't sing the 'Just hold it in,' song forever Sam. Eventually, eventually I'm going to have to let it out Sam. That's how the body works Sam. You'd know that if you did you online schoolwork instead of paying Dice to do it. Yeah, I know about that. You didn't think I did but I do, Sam." Cat stood there looking at Sam almost hyperventilating with excitement now.

"It's all right, kid. I'm here now."

Cat started crying and wrapped her arms around Sam, pointing at the other girls in the cell.

"She was mean to me and she was mean to me, and she was mean to me." Cat suddenly calmed when she got to the last cellmate. "But not her, that's Lori. She's okay."

"Hi Lori." Sam nodded at the girl with the shaved head except for two pink and three lilac micro-braids and about a dozen facial piercings. Sam continued, "I'm more interested in who was mean to you right now, kid. What did they do?" Sam said.

"They called me names and made fun of my voice and made fun of me going to Hollywood Arts and they made fun of me working at a place called 'Sam and Cat's Super Rockin Fun Time Babysitting Service. And when they found out I go non-conscious when I get scared, now they all sneak up on me and yell."

"Really," Sam asked.

"And that's not the worst. That ones sister is in here too. And yesterday at dinner she blew snot rockets on my food. That's when you hold one nostril closed and blowhard through the other so your snot shoots out really hard and far."

"I know what snot rockets are." Sam said, clearly trying to control her temper.

"The bologna was hard and green around the edges, so I wasn't going to eat it anyway. But I still think it was really mean and rude, don't you think?" Cat asked.

"I do Cat, I definitely do." Sam said.

"So this is the famous Sam you wont shut up about. Sam's gonna get me out of here. If Sam was here you wouldn't call me chipmunk because of my dumb stupid voice. Well it doesn't look like the famous Sam is gonna protect anyone. " Said the one Cat pointed out as Snot-girl's sister.

"Well I don't like to think of myself as famous so much as well regarded. But I suppose iCarly did have over a million followers." Sam said pretending to be reluctant to accept her reputation and obviously intentionally ignoring the fact that this girl was referring to Cat's inability to stop talking about her and not the fact that Sam actually was something of a celebrity.

"Well you don't seem that tough to me, but sure I'll kick your head in. If I believed you were anyone of importance around here. But I'm betting you aren't. I'm betting you aren't even the boss bitch of this room, let alone the whole jail. So since my goal is to do the least work I can. Why don't you point out who I have to beat to actually make a difference around here."

Lori spoke up then. "Wait a second Sam. Didn't you fight Rita Rooney? And win?"

"We sparred and I won. I ended up deciding not to do the fight. I don't like to do things." Sam replied

"You're not gonna like getting your ass kicked by me. That's for sure." The girl said.

"I don't know. I usually like fantasy stories about unbelievable things."

The girl started her retort but Sam lightly backhanded her in the throat with a short solid tap, leaving her only able to gasp and make a whistling noise as she sank to her knees.

"Okay that was fun for a warm up. Lets go see Sister Snots before this one can talk well enough to warn her." Sam suggested.

"Sam, think." Lori said. "There our six beds in this room. With you here now, there are six girls in this room. Why would we all be here at two thirty in the afternoon, if we were allowed to go anywhere else? We get one hour in the yard and meals other than that we are in this room with these lovely ladies 24/7. The girls with longer sentences have the option of working. But short-timers like you and discipline cases like our gaspy friend there don't get that option. You'd take too much effort to train for the short time your here and she," She jerked her thumb at the girl who was recovering her breathing presently and looking daggers at Sam. "She's not worth the trouble. Dinner, what there is of it is at four thirty. You can see to Snot-girl and anyone else you want."

Sam, Cat, and Lori huddled off to the side so they could talk without snide comments from the idiot gallery or Sam having to threaten or hit someone every five minutes.

Sam took the opportunity to explain what had happened and she also mentioned that she was supposed to get a phone call when she did her intake in half an hour. Because the counselor they'd assigned to her was in an appointment so they just stuck her inside for safe keeping. She figured she'd call Dice and tell him he is on his own for the night and have him call Nona and get her to overnight mail Sam's birth certificate to the police station.

"I don't understand why if you have a fake driver's license and social security card anyway. If you have a birth certificate. And I know you can drive. Why the fakes?" Cat asked.

"Why should I have to take a test to be able to drive? Why should I wait in a line just to get a social security card? I have a cousin who makes fake papers. And I thought she was better than she apparently is. So I had her do my license and card, and here we are."

"Not your brightest moment." Cat said.

"Yes, I agree." Sam said, obviously wanting to acknowledge the situation. But just as obviously with no desire to dwell on it one second more than necessary.

Luckily for her not only were the other two girls perfectly content to drop it. But it was only a moment later that a guard was at the door to escort her to her intake appointment.

Dice looked around the room. More than half the guys surrounding the tables were not only in suits, they were in fashions of the fifties. Or even earlier a few of the cockier younger guys were in zoot suits complete with gold pocket watch chains and wide brim old style fedoras and a drape loose enough they could be hiding a shotgun. Several probably were, which was why those guys chose not to sit down. The Sunshine Boys had a weird mix of amusing anachronism and a soulless criminal strength and had taken over a large part of the city. Making a point to speak Japanese for privacy in public areas and with a lot of exaggerated pointing at the non-Japanese attendees, just for intimidation. Dice only understood very little and spoke practically none at all, but he was pretty sure the man over by the wall making angry hand gestures toward him as he spoke to an underling was actually just putting in a lunch order.

Dice felt underdressed, but he knew the Sunnys would be insulted not honored if he had come in wearing a vintage suit himself. And at least he wasn't the worst dressed guy there. Across the table from him sat a man with a bushy salt and pepper mustache who was wearing a Hawaiian shirt with every color on earth in a riot of rainbow hibiscus flowers. It was stretched near bursting over his gut. The guy was skinny, even bony everywhere else but he had a belly that looked either pregnant or like he had a pony keg under his shirt. He finished the outfit with Bermuda shorts over pasty white stick legs with wiry black hair. And capped everything with a black socks and sandals look that was always attractive.

Dice knew what kind of place he was dealing with. Respect was practically currency when you are dealing with mobster types, regardless of their affiliation. And Dice knew the score. He knew how things were done.

So there was no excuse for him not silencing his phone. But when it rang in the middle of a hand and everyone looked at him and a few people reached under their coats in a very intimidating manner. Dice also knew that. He should silence it immediately and put it away. But he couldn't do that to Sam. So he answered it, saying, "So you girls ready to go? I cant really talk just tell me where to meet you."

"Yeah, uh its not that simple. Your Mexican drivers license is so much higher quality than the American drivers license I got from my cousin. So I am now in jail, with Cat, awaiting transfer ti INS on Monday. I need you to call Nona and have her overnight my American passport and my birth certificate to the Juvenile Detention Center."

"But if you have a birth certificate why do you have a fake drivers license with your real name and real age on it?" Dice asked.

Sam sighed loudly and angrily, "I am not going to have this conversation again."

"Well is your passport at least real?" Dice asked.

"Yes my passport is real Dice!" Sam yelled before taking a breath and continuing in a normal tone. "I got that passport when the iCarly crew went to Japan. So Carly took care of everyone's passports and paperwork. Lemme give you that address."

Everyone was staring at dice already and there had been a fair amount of disgruntled mumbling that grew the longer he talked. When he pulled out pen and paper two separate people threw up their hands in disgust and left the room. But he really didn't see what choice he had in the situation.

When Sam got back to the cell everyone was lining up next to their beds for inspection before dinner. Lori and Cat had made her bed. Cat pointed out that she would have done it anyway. But Lori helped because if any of them failed inspection the whole room would be penalized.

\inner was a single slice of bologna on a single slice of white bread and a spoonful of baked beans. "Is this it?" Cat could see the closest thing to actual fear she had ever seen on Sam's face, as she contemplated living on so little.

"Least its not moldy today." Cat said.

"Warden has gotten costs to feed us down to forty cents a head. Though he charges our families a dollar a day for keeping us. Don't worry you'll get a bill." Lori said.

"That's okay, I don't like to fight on a full stomach anyway." Sam picked up the bread and bologna scooped the beans on top and folded it over eating it in two bites then she lifted up her full size metal tray. That the tiny food had just sat in the middle of mockingly.

Sam had Cat point out the girl who snotted her food. Not hard to miss because not only was the girls sister who Sam had hit earlier and she was clearly the biggest girl there.

Sam started to walk over. Lori quickly jumped up to accompany her. Cat didn't know what was going on but lacking a better idea she walked along as well.

Sam simply walked up and hit the girl in the face with her tray. No dialogue just slam in the face then slam another one cross the back of her head.

Immediately the air was alive with the shrieking whistles of the guards. "Stand down, inmate! Stand down!" the closest guard shouted.

Lori took Sam's tray. "It was me officer. I did it, but it was an accident. I slipped. Twice. And unfortunately both times I bumped into this inmate. I really am sorry."

"I saw what happened." The guard said

"Then you know I slipped and bumped this girl and unfortunately slipped again when I tried to recover. Regrettably bumping into her again." Lori said.

All the other girls at the table started denying it at once.

The guard blew his whistle again. "Enough! It was an accident and its over. I wouldn't be surprised to discover Lori only tripped because she was so nervous that Eunice might have another unprovoked outburst. So I hope this might offer a learning experience for us all. Lori to be more careful and Eunice that if you keep everyone walking on eggshells around you. Someone is bound to trip."

"What the fridge was that?" Sam asked under her breath when they were sitting at their table waiting for the guards to release them.

"Its complicated. Long story short? My Dad is the warden."


End file.
